Monday, February 27, 2006

The Waves…

Heaven be praised for solitude. Let me be alone. Let me cast and throw away this veil of being, this c loud that changes with the least breath, night and day, and all night and all day. While I sat here I have been changing. I have seen the sky change. I have seen clouds cover the stars, then free the stars, then cover the stars again. Now I look at their changing no more. Now no one sees me and I change no more. Heaven be praised for solitude that has removed the pressure of the eye, the solicitation of the body and all need of lies and phrases ­– Virginia Woolf, “The Waves”

When one spends as much time alone as I have of late, they begin to see life in a different way. Life for me now is not what life for me was. I have changed; changed into someone who many of you, who thought you knew me, might not recognize. Does this scare me? No not me, but maybe you. I can handle that many of you, who are reading this, may not relate to me the way you did before, or better I should say that I won’t be able to relate to you as I did before. I have grown, found a little of myself, but still not enough that I can say “James is this…,” and will not allow anyone or anything to change me back. I have spent many days and nights in complete solitude and as Virginia Woolf wrote over 70 years ago, “Heaven be praised for solitude.” I used to fear it, fear being alone long enough to let my mind wonder over everything that it wanted to but now I prefer time spent alone. This time has helped me in finding out many things, not only about myself but also about life in general. I, without anyone looking in on me, have found parts of myself I knew existed but because of the prying eyes was never able to acknowledge. I’ve also pondered over a lot of different subjects, including death and saying goodbye to those you love, and have realized that no matter how painful something is –a parting, a death, leaving somewhere/someone you know you’ll never see or talk to again – it is not the end. I, just like you, will continue to go on, to live. We all have things we must do, which keep us, like zombies, moving with the shitiness of life.

One reason these thoughts have been a constant droning sound in my mind is because in just two months I’ll be leaving Russia, and for what? I have no idea, as of yet, what I plan on doing. Many things are open to me right now, but at the same time I cannot just simply pinpoint what I want or what I don’t want to do. I’m excited about coming home because I do miss many things, but at the same time I feel that for me to stay in Pueblo, Colorado, and even possibly the USA will lead to me going crazy, at this point. So what will my future hold, who knows? I don’t, just like you don’t know what tomorrow will hold for you or your loved ones. I guess what I’m just trying to state within this blog, which might make no sense to some of you, is that by allowing oneself to truly grow, without others telling you (making you feel) that you should be this or that, you really find out about yourself and the world you’re living in. This is one of the many gifts my time in Russia has rendered me. I would like to go on trying to explain all I’ve learned, but none of you would understand it, not because I think you of as having a lower intelligence level then me (honestly, I feel incredibly stupid compared to many of you) but because what I’ve learned is different than what you must learn, or have learned, in this life. We are all separate, different from one another and thus living our own lives. Even though many times we feel that we are living a singular life with those around us, we aren’t. Each of us has been put onto this earth to live for ourselves and no one else. It may sound incredibly selfish, but we all should be selfish when it comes to our lives. If we don’t take advantages/chances for ourselves, because we are afraid that it may hurt someone we love (not in a physical way but an emotional one), than in the end it will only lead to your own unhappiness and destruction. I would like all of you to know that I love you more than words can say, but I will not live my life according to the rules that you, or society, try to lay down for me. I’m my own person and I know that now, so all those characters I was before I left will no longer be a part of me. I will no longer play the role of the student, the role of the child, the role of the writer, the role of the friend, the role of the-whatever as separate beings. They are all parts that make up me and even though some of those parts may offend those they weren’t meant for, I won’t try and hid them, I won’t be twenty different James as I was before, I’ll only be the one who I am now. You all can take or leave it, because we all must live in this world. The waves beat against us, forcing us to change, adapted, and eventually become the person we were meant to be. So as the tide comes in on my time here in Russia, I’m going to know so much more than I did before I came here about myself, about the world, and about the person that I want to be…


At 7:51 PM, Anonymous sarah said...

ahh, James, guess what book I'm reading right now, at your behest?


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