Thursday, December 15, 2005

My Philosophical Viewpoint on Life…

Reader’s Note: This post has nothing to do with my stay in Russia or any good/bad experience I have had. It simply deals with some of the shit that is floating around in my mind. You may agree or disagree with what I am saying or after you read it feel that you could give a crap about what I say, but that isn’t the point. I needed to put these words on paper and share them with someone. Perhaps some of you will remotely agree or can relate to what I’ve said in someway. But all in all, you’ve been warned so you can’t say I didn’t at least do that…

Being away from home, now almost three months, and approaching my next year of life, I am left thinking that what is this all for. Sometimes, while I’m either communicating with someone here or simply mulling over life, I am left wondering if anything that I’m experiencing or learning will ever benefit anything in this world or even in my own individual life. Although I would like to think that I’m some how different here than I am at home, its not the case –perhaps, I’ll never change. I may walk this earth until the day that I die, and be the same person I was when I started.

Fear takes control of me almost everyday, which then spends me deeper into my own head and no one will ever understand what takes place inside of it. Being someone who likes to create, and who thinks he is able to create pretty well, this lack of being able to express myself fully is a real annoyance. How I would just for someone to understand me fully, but that is somehow important because I don’t fully understand all the aspects of my mind. I am not an intelligent person, and how can I ever expect for someone to comprehend the insanity taking place within my mind. However, I am no one, and that each and ever single person on this earth has their own issues and most likely they are much worse than mine.

Am I selfish that I would just like to find one person who will grasp the whole spectrum of who I am, or who I want to be. I just want to live and be something to someone. Now, I know that I mean something to my family and maybe even some of my friends, but for some reason that isn’t enough for me. Or could it be that its too much for me? To have so many people interested in me is a hindrance for me to grow as an individual. I often feel that I have to be someone else for each and every person I know. For my family I am something/someone different than I am say for my friends, peers, students, random people I meet, and pretty much every single Russian I’ve meet. No one knows who James really is, but than again I don’t think I know who James really is. Nor do I think I want to. Maybe James is a weak, incompetent person, who relies on others for his livelihood. This scares the hell out of me. Why can’t I rely on myself, because when it comes down to it that’s all I have.

The randomness of this writing will probably confuse anyone who reads it, and most likely by this time in the writing many have given up reading it. These philosophical questions, which life is full of, really are unanswerable. Why do people create? Because we all have something that haunts us, some pain that is far too hard to deal with within the contours of our minds, so we expel it through art hoping that others will relate. Yet, they cannot truly relate to it because it is not their own feelings. Yes, they may understand or feel that they share a similar feeling but how can they fully comprehend what another human creates/feels. Each human, each race, each nationality has different feelings and problems that it would be impossible for an outsider to see things the same way.

Maybe this thought processes that my mind seems to be stuck in at the moment, although its always been dealing with this in one way or another, is the catalysts to my own doom. This may be what I as an individual am looking to unravel in my life and if I ever am able to completely understand it myself, I may not be able to live in this physical world. Don’t worry, because I’ll stand up to this pain and wake up to fight another day. What I am simply trying to express with these words is that each individual has their own thoughts like this, or their own pain, so why do we all individually feel that our own problems are some how more important than those of our fellow man. Even this is too far beyond my own ability to answer that I will not try to.

I am a pessimistic introvert and this maybe what makes it so hard for me to communicate clearly and coherently with other humans, but I also find it so damn frustrating when others just won’t respect the fact that what I’m thinking and dealing with in my own mind is my business and no one else’s. Okay, I understand that I just completely contradicted myself by saying that. But the truth of the matter is that I do want to be able to open up to someone; yet, this is so hard when I am not allowed to really deal with my own thoughts because whenever I go running inside, people are offended by me or think that I am being rude or dishonest. It’s not the case, but before I can clearly demonstrate or explain something, I myself must come to terms with it.

Thoughts, feelings, words, everything that the human spirit must contend with on a daily basis make it so hard to live. Yet somehow, we do. It may be that we are in fact the dumbest species on the planet, or that we are just to afraid to face what meets us after this life –I have no fucking clue, and I do believe that no one does. Millions of people on this planet wake up every single day, and what for? We all have pain, we all have joys, and we all know that sooner or later it will end, but what will this all mean when it does end? Will any of it matter? Anything that I do, or that you do, will it change the world? I seriously doubt that, but we still go on living. I guess that’s why we are here, just to live and experience everything, both good and bad, that this crappy, beautiful world has to offer us… We are all human, which means that we are all dealing with unpleasant things that we wish we could change, but instead of trying to help our fellow man we are too consumed with only helping ourselves. Yet this in and of itself makes us all miserable, so why can’t we all just learn to live and let live. I guess my final words will be these: Next time that you thing of how horrible your life is or how alone you are, just remember that all over the world people are dealing with just as bad, possibly worse, situations than yourself are and they feel that they are alone too. It’s the human condition and something we all must face no matter who you are, where you’re from, or what type of personality you are.


At 6:41 PM, Blogger Lydia said...

Being an introvert myself, I think I've experienced a little of what you've been talking about here. And for me, finding someone I could spill my guts too, be ugly around, and share my life with has helped me deal with feelings of isolation. I also think that art and creation of any sort (giving yourself up to something whether it be writing, or a social cause, whatever) can have the same effect. In the end though, we all are really alone. When that feeling overwhelms me, my mother (cheesy, I know) told me to find something, anything, that's good. She calls it "a little happiness." When she tried to describe what that meant (she doesn't speak perfect English) she could only compare it to wind in grass. It's something momentary, spontaneous, simple, and profoundly beautiful. There are "little happiness-es" all the time, in the lives of the most miserable people, and I think as small and short-lived as they may be, that's what keeps us humans going. So anyway, I enjoyed waxing philosophical with you, James.


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